Why I'm Extra AF and you should be too.

Being ""extra" or "high maintenance" is not all about material possessions. Being extra and or High maintenance means that you're not willing to settle for things in life. You know what you want and anything less than that simply will not due. WTF is wrong with that?!? To some, they just want the glamorous life, with furs, mansions and expensive cars but to me being high maintenance means sharing my life with people of the highest standard. Good people. No one should have to spend their life with someone who is always doubting them or someone who just exudes a negative energy. A.K.A. toxic people. To live a high-quality life you need to focus on what means the most to you, so you can be the highest quality kind of person because good vibes attract good people.

Not very long ago I was in the car with my husband. Something reminded me of a vehicle my mother used to drive. I recounted how on a regular basis my siblings, cousins and I would pile into my mother’s hatchback for swimming lessons. I told him how we would use our swimming towels to cover the spare tire so we could sit on it without burning our self on the metal and rubber. He laughed and said to me “You are so ghetto.” Then he asked “how can someone so ghetto be so extra?” to which I replied “I can be as extra as I want to be because I can take care of myself. I was doing just fine when I met you, I had my own place, a good job, and my own car. If you couldn’t have handled how extra I am I would have been just fine without you.”

The sad fact of life is that no one will give you anything unless you don’t need it. Look at upper-class folks. Do you know why life is easier for them? Because they don’t have to fight for everything they have. Almost everything is handed to them. Need a job? Ask Uncle Preppy. Need money for college? Grammy started a mutual fund the day you were born, now it’s worth 300K. Want to go to the best school? Pop Pop is on the board of education, we'll set up a meeting and make a "donation". Got in a bar fight and crash your car drunk into an orphanage while trying to evade the police? Daddy dearest is a Judge, we’ll get that cleared up if you do some community service. No one will help you unless it benefits them or if you don’t need the help. It's not about what you know, it's about who you know. So if you don't know anyone important, you need to help yourself before anyone else will help you.

Being "extra" does not just mean that I'm demanding of material possessions. It means I know what I want out of life and I will not settle for anything less than what I consider the best. If you have to settle for anything, you don't really need it. You may want it but if you have to settle, you can do with out. I am high maintenance because I pulled myself out of where I was. I never went to college, I had been a waitress and a nanny my whole life. I had a baby at 24 and my fiancé (my daughter's sperm donor) abandoned us in the hospital, the day after her birth. None of that was in my plan so I had to make a new one. Our plan had been that he would work while I take care of the baby and I would work while he took care of the baby. We would live with my parents until our daughter was old enough to go to preschool, while we were saving for a down payment on a house. Unfortunately for me, he never told me that he changed his mind. I figured it out when he just left and never came back.

I worked very hard to get where I am and it could have been easier if I had help. I came from a pretty bad neighborhood and once I was out I never wanted to go back. The only help I had was my mother. I am eternally grateful that I had my mother’s help and support. I literally could not have done it without her. Not everyone has a mother or at least a mother like mine. She took care of me and my daughter and I never missed out because my mother supported me and my decision to raise my daughter and to be with her until she was old enough to go to preschool. She loves my daughter and helped me as much as she could with baby sitting and necessities like diapers and a place to live. Everything else I had to figure out on my own. My mother worked days while I was home with my daughter and I would go to wait tables at night when my mother got home from work.

I am extra because after I pulled myself from being on government assistance, working night jobs so I could be with my baby in the day. I found a good job and so I was able to support myself and my daughter. Because I spent most of my life believing I was worthless; I made many mistakes in the men I chose. Before I made the choice to be extra I had no standards and no self-esteem. This made me an open target for men looking for easy prey. I had a bf for 5 years who mentally and physically abused me. I stayed because I thought he was going to help me. When it was all over I looked back and realized he was trying to stop me from realizing I was too good for him by constantly belittling me. I supported him when he was unemployed even though he had never done that for me. After supporting him for 6 months of unemployment I got him a job where I worked and then he dumped me for the millionth time after 5 years. I left and I never went back.

I never went back because I finally realized I didn’t need that in my life. I realized I was not getting what I wanted out of life because that toxic relationship was holding me back. I was 31 and had never been married and knew if I stayed in that relationship we probably would have ended up killing each other, no joke. So, I left and lucky for me it was just the right time. My mother was in talks to move in with her fiancé and was vacating the condo she had been renting for 7 years. So, I simply took over her lease. Just like that, I was living an independent life. I had no idea what living a life on my own would be like but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I always had roommates or boyfriends or someone to help with bills. This time I was on my own. In my time alone I soul searched and found how truly strong, amazing, unique and awesome I really am. With no one constantly telling me that I am shit, I started to realize how great I really was. Once I realized that, everything changed.

You can’t just say to yourself, I’m awesome, end of story. You really need to believe it and you really need to show other people that you mean it and by that, I mean walk it like you talk it! Back that shit up, the proof is in the putting. Being awesome does not involve blending in and doing what other people do because it’s the norm. Being amazing is quite the opposite. Being awesome is being you and sticking to your guns and voicing your opinion even if it isn’t the popular opinion. Being awesome is putting a price on yourself and saying I am worth more than this emotionally.

Think of your time and effort as currency. If you are spending time and effort on a relationship (investment) and it’s not paying out, sell it off. If you buy stock and it loses value and drags down the worth of your entire portfolio you need to cut your losses. BE SELFISH!!!!!!! There is nothing wrong with that when you are living by YOURSELF! Then if you do decide to get into a relationship you will be happy because you know that you got exactly what you wanted. The time for compromise is when you are living with others but if you're living alone there's no one to compromise with. The trick is to never make exceptions before you decide you want to commit to someone. If you say this is what I want DO NOT make any exceptions no matter what otherwise you are doomed to fail. "Unless they gonna pay your bills, pay them bitches no mind."

When living on my own a lot of men talked shit to me. Men who didn't know me and just saw my situation as just another single mom. Like I was just some dumb slut looking for a man to take care of me so I didn't have to do shit. Regardless of the fact that I didn't need anyone to take care of me. They saw my desire for a relationship as looking for a handout. You need to rise above that by knowing your self better than anyone else does so when people say nasty things like that you can just laugh it off because you know that they are wrong.

Empathy is understanding the struggles of others even if you have never walked a mile in their shoes. Empathy is a trait all good people possess. If he is lacking in empathy, he is not a good person. You don't need bad people in your life for any reason. Family members might not be empathetic, you don't need them either. You need to learn to cut bad people out of your life so that YOU can take control of YOUR life. Constructive criticism is not the same as being unempathetic. People who are negative with no suggestion of positive change are who you don't need in your life.

People can change when they want to but you can't change people. You have to take responsibility for yourself. By accepting someone into your life you are saying you accept who they are. Whatever you do don't sit around and wait for someone to change. You're just wasting your time. I am extra as fuck because I refuse to be with a man who won’t do something for me that I can do for myself. If he does not improve my situation I don’t need him because I can support myself and be as selfish as I want without him. The standard I set for myself is based on what I can do by myself and for myself. If you can’t do it by yourself, you have no right to demand it of anyone else.

I am extra/ high maintenance because I know I am worth the time and attention of any man I choose. Always try your hardest and do your best at everything you do, and you can never be disappointed in yourself. Always carry yourself as if you were made of diamonds from head to toe. You are invaluable, one of a kind commodity that anyone should be so lucky to have in their life. When you have something of great value you treat it with great care. If you expect this of every relationship and never settle for anything less you will always be satisfied. If you "need" a man to have a good life you will never be satisfied. If you do not need the company of others because you're satisfied with your own company, good company will find you. No one is going to give you what you need. You have to get what you need for yourself and the rest will fall into place.