Women Are Not Rehabilitation Centers For Broken Men

First and foremost, I'm going to say I know, women can be narcissistic and toxic too, but that's not who I'm talking about here. This will be addressed at the end of the essay. Also, if your initial response to the title of this article was “but what about women” you're probably a narcissist with toxic masculine tendencies, go to therapy. #bebetter

I've been seeing this "Do FEMALES ever think damn HE been thru a lot lemme fix HIM" post pop up quite a bit on my Facebook newsfeed. I think it’s important to point out that many men who think that a woman should fix him; has been the problem in all of his relationships. I keep responding to this post with the same sentiment and that is; WOMEN ARE NOT REHABILITATION CENTERS FOR BROKEN MEN!!!!! Ladies if you see a man post this, RUN!!! This is an absolutely juvenile and poisonous way of thinking. 9 times out of 10 this post is coming from a boy in his late 20s early 30s who never dealt with childhood trauma and is dissatisfied with his life but none of any of it is his fault. 9 times out of 10, you’re dealing with someone who has a personality disorder who needs a therapist, not a girlfriend.

I wanted to elaborate on this topic because I think there are a lot of young women out there who have to learn the hard way (myself included) that the “lemme fix him” mentality is the best way to set yourself up for failure and heartache. I hope I can help as many women as possible avoid the abusive relationship that is formed when an empath dates a narcissist.

So, when I see a man asking if there are women who think “lemme fix him” I see a HUGE red flag of a narcissist that is seeking a new supply. Because a narcissist has such an inflated ego they need constant validation from others. Being an empath means that it’s in your nature to want to help people. You are empathetic to the needs of others and it just makes you feel good to help others. Narcissists prey on empaths because all a narcissist wants to do is take and they know that an empath naturally wants to give. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are no longer a person with needs or feelings but a source of praise and validation, you are their supply. Their sense of self is so overinflated no amount of self-esteem is ever enough so they need to seek validation outward.

Trying to fix someone else will lead to emotional and financial ruin and empathic females need to learn that not every nice guy is a good man. As an adult, you need to be aware that the responsibility for your own well-being lies entirely with you and this applies to every single adult. Expecting that you can fix someone or that someone else can fix you is a toxic trait and is the nature of quite a few different personality disorders. Substituting outside validation for self-esteem does not allow you to grow emotionally as a person. People who do this need to seek counseling and please stop getting into relationships with other people. No matter how much you love someone with a condition like this, it will never be enough to fix them. You’re constantly raising the bar with how much you’ll be willing to give and how much you will compromise until there is nothing left for you to give and they start seeing any boundaries you are setting for yourself as a personal attack.

As a survivor of several abusive relationships with men with narcissistic tendencies, I now realize exactly what these men were trying to accomplish during our relationship. I was a supply. I was never important to any of these men, they only wanted me for what I did for his ego. There is no other way to describe this kind of relationship except for abusive. You have to understand that getting into a relationship with a narcissist will only result in emotional and sometimes physical abuse. That is why it is so important to identify them and steer clear. There are a few different kinds of men who suffer from a personality disorder and some can be so severe they border on being a sociopath.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is like being in a relationship with an emotional vampire. Instead of sucking your blood, they are sucking your energy. Then when they have taken all they can they discard you and label you as useless and unambitious or, they have just moved onto another supply. If you've ever been told "you've changed, you're not the person I fell in love with, I thought you were more independent" you were probably the victim of a narcissist who was just using you. People do not fall out of love; they realize they were never in love in the first place. No one ever stays the same, people grow. In a healthy relationship, people grow together. A narcissist is incapable of growing so they will often point to your growth as a reason they are leaving you and spin the growth as a negative. Or you have changed because they have simply broken your spirit so much, you’ve become codependent.

The most frustrating thing about being with someone with a personality disorder is you cannot explain to them how their behavior is affecting you and they will never take responsibility for the hurt they cause. Sometimes you will get the stone face silent treatment and others might suggest if you do not like the treatment you are receiving you can leave because they have no intention of correcting the abusive and hurtful behavior. Other times you might also get the blame for them treating you poorly. A gaslight explanation as to why their poor treatment of you is your fault or that the poor treatment is all in your head. The worst thing about it all is that you can never make a narcissist see they are a narcissist because that means they would have to admit that there is something wrong with them.

How do I know I'm not a narcissist? If you have ever asked yourself this question, you're not a narcissist. A narcissist will sometimes make you feel that you are the one with the problem with a technique they use called reactive abuse. Reactive abuse is where they just push, and push, and push your buttons until you explode. They stay calm and cool, start calling you crazy because you've hit your limit, and break down. They will also tell friends and family about these outbursts and fail to mention the vile and hurtful things they said to you to trigger this response.

Putting yourself first and looking out for your own well-being is not narcissistic. Hurting other people to validate your superiority complex is a narcissistic trait. A narcissist will always play the victim, it's usually the reason you fall for them in the first place. They portray themselves as this nice person that just got taken advantage of or is just unlucky in love. The more you get to know them the more you realize that this persona was a lie but usually by then it is already too late. You may already be living together, you may already be married, you may already be pregnant. They will do anything they can to make sure that they will not lose you as soon as they identify you as an empath.

At the beginning of the relationship, they will “love bomb” you. Love bombing is where someone you haven’t known very long goes over the top with romantic gestures. There is nothing wrong with romantic gestures when you’re in love but science tells us for a normal man, it takes about 3 months to fall in love, for a woman it takes about 5 months. So, if he’s telling you he loves you, buying you expensive gifts, and going to extremes to get you in his life and you’ve only known each other 3 weeks, that’s a huge red flag.

I’m going to say something that isn’t going to sit well with everyone but I really think it needs to be said. In my experience, I have noticed a trend of narcissistic men becoming so because of their parents, but more so their relationship with their mother. I have noticed that a lot of the narcissistic men that I have known have mothers who teach their sons at a young age that their emotional and physical needs are the responsibility of their spouse. They go so far as to never place any blame on their adult child’s unhealed emotional trauma and constantly reassure the man child that abandonment of a relationship is the best course of action if their significant other or spouse is not “making them happy”.

They never coach their children that compromise, conversation, and resolve are the keys to a healthy relationship. They reassure them that they can never be asking too much and if their spouse or significant other (the supply) is setting a boundary, she’s not the one for you. Never calling your child out on their BS is not helpful. Everyone makes mistakes and when you raise a boy to not take responsibility for his own actions, you’re simply dumping off an underdeveloped man child on to a woman that you expect to finish the job you as a mother didn’t bother to finish. Most narcissistic men come from households with at least one narcissistic parent and it usually tends to be the mother.

Most women learn at a very young age that happily ever after is not in the cards for everyone and if you want your marriage or relationship to work, as a woman you’re often going to have to be the bigger person and eat shit quite a lot. I hope that this stops with my generation and that we can all agree that no one should have to eat shit in a relationship to make it work. It’s no one’s job to make you feel good about you but you. Men and women. It is our responsibility to teach the next generation that it is unfair to expect someone else is going to make us happy and that you need to fix yourself before entering into a relationship. Failure to do so will result in a failed relationship. The same way that you are not responsible for the way someone feels about themselves; you are not responsible in any way for the way that other people treat you.

I am not a psychiatrist, but I am very familiar with narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse. I recently wrote a novel about my experiences with narcissistic abuse, more details to come. Please note that there are plenty of other personality disorders that one can have that can lead to an abusive relationship. I am using narcissistic personality disorder as my example as these examples are based on my experiences.

Please check out the article below if you are struggling to find your own happiness.