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5 Things People Who Have Been in An Abusive Relationship Want You to Know. By Mercedes Dantes




Domestic violence comes in many forms and not all are physical. Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and if you have never been abused, it’s hard to understand what it’s like. If you are in an abusive relationship or ever have been, I’m sure people ask you “why don’t you just leave?” I’m writing this in hopes that if you are getting out of your abusive relationship, you can share this essay with your friends and family to help them understand what you are going through and why it’s so hard to walk away from an abusive relationship.


There are a lot of reasons that most people don’t just leave an abusive relationship and the leading reason is money, as in they have no money to leave. A lot of abusers control all the money, giving the victim little to no opportunity to leave. Most people will stay in the hopes that things will get better, and sometimes people don’t leave because they fear the reaction of their abuser. Some people want to stay for the kids, not realizing the damage they are doing by subjecting a child to witness domestic abuse.


I am not a doctor, but I have become very proficient in the art of self-healing, and an essential very part of healing from an abusive relationship is to have a great support system. Not everyone has a great family or a lot of close friends, especially if you have recently left an abusive relationship. In most abusive relationships the abuser will usually isolate the victim from family and friends.


I’m writing a book about my experience with domestic abuse and with that book, I hope to build a community of victims helping victims. If you are currently in an abusive relationship or are a survivor who wants to help other survivor’s please follow this blog or any of my social media pages, links at the top of the page.


I, unfortunately, am the type of person who attracts men with narcissistic personality disorder. I am an empath and possess the traits that someone with NPD looks for. To clarify none of my exes have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder but it’s probably because both refused to go to therapy. I came to believe that they suffer from this personality disorder after my therapist suggested I do some research on NPD when I was talking about my relationship in therapy.


My first experience with a narcissistic abuser was with the first man I dated after my daughter was born. My second was with my first husband. With my first experience, he was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. The second was not physically abusive, but he was emotionally and verbally abusive. Not being assaulted made it a little harder to admit that I was in an abusive relationship, but eventually, I found myself in a space where I had to admit that the way I was being treated should not be tolerated nor accepted.


Something I think everyone needs to understand when you have a loved one in an abusive relationship is that this person who claims to love us (our abuser) has convinced us, that there is nothing wrong with the relationship. They have convinced us that all of the things that we see as being wrong with the relationship is our fault. They make us ashamed to talk about our relationship because we see ourselves as the problem. They have mentally beaten us down so badly that we are convinced that we should be embarrassed so it makes it very hard for us to be honest with others about the treatment we are receiving in the relationship.


After I had left my abuser, I was struggling immensely with a high-stress job, being a single mother, and sorting out the trauma I had lived through for the past 7 years. I remember calling my mother and telling her I needed company, that I didn’t want to be alone, and she told me to put on my big girl panties, and “suck it up.” I was struggling with suicidal thoughts and that was the advice I got from my mother. At the time I’m sure she thought she was administering some type of tough love but what you need to understand when you love someone who has left their abuser, is that what they are chemically experiencing in their brain is the same thing that happens when a drug addict goes through withdrawals.


Most people who have experienced an abusive relationship will be diagnosed with PTSD when they go and seek help. An abuse survivor has been conditioned to keep their mouth shut about their feelings, wants, and needs, so when someone who has walked away from an abusive situation asks you for help, please do your best to be there for them. This is the worst possible moment for tough love.


Below is a list of things that abuse survivors wish that you knew. I want to make it very clear to everyone that being in an abusive relationship does not make you weak, it happens a lot more often than you think and to people, you wouldn’t really suspect. As human beings, it is in our nature to forgive and want to accept someone’s apology but there are certain sins that cannot be atoned for.


Most victims of domestic violence are so quick to forgive our abusers because we were never taught to set boundaries. Judging someone who trusted and loved a human being who took full advantage of them, is victim-blaming. It is not our fault that our trust was betrayed by someone we loved and it’s not for you to understand why someone loves anyone else.


Below are 5 things that survivors of domestic violence want you to know. Always remember: “Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle you know nothing about. Be kind.”


1. Failure to immediately walk away from an abusive relationship has nothing to do with intelligence or strength. Being in an abusive relationship does not make you stupid or weak. Sometimes people do not want to ask for help because their abuser has convinced them that seeking help will cause the victim embarrassment and humiliation. Please stop looking down on someone who had the strength to walk away regardless of how long it took them to do it.


2. Abuse survivors tend to question everything because their abuser has convinced them they are mistaken when it comes to events. Mental trauma can cause brain fog which is where the brain basically slows down and seizes up. Everything becomes hazy and you stop trying to recall the way events played out because it physically hurts your head. So, if we ask you to repeat yourself a lot, it’s because we want to make sure we understand what is going on.


3. When we leave an abusive relationship, we are not the same person we were before the relationship. Your friend or loved one has been through a very traumatic experience. They need your help to rebuild what has been destroyed. Please do not expect them to be as strong as they once were, especially if dating someone who isn’t good for them has become a pattern for them. Please do not expect them to reach out, most of the time you need to be the one to reach out. Sometimes just a quick text reminding us what you love about us is enough to brighten our whole day.


4. Do not stay friends with the abuser. If you know someone who has walked away from their abuser, please encourage them to have no contact with their abuser and you should support them by doing the same. With verbal and mental abuse, it is very common for the abuser to want to “stay friends” with their victim. This way the victim is at arm’s length and it helps them look like there was no abuse, or it wasn’t as bad as we said, because they are still a friend to us. When someone walks away from a narcissistic abuser the narcissist will always find a reason to talk to you and reach out. Help support your friend, family member, or loved one by not having any contact with their abuser and encourage them to do the same.



5. This is probably the most important; BELIEVE THEM!!!! They have been told throughout that entire experience that they are crazy, or that they deserve the mistreatment. If you love someone who tells you they have been abused, the most cold-hearted thing you can do and say is “are you sure, he/she seems so nice?” Or “well if they didn’t hit you it’s not abuse.” or “Do you really think he/she is abusive; I think they’re a good person.” You’re basically reiterating everything our abuser has said to us and telling us that maybe we are the one at fault and the abuser is still a nice person.


So many people stay because we are convinced by our loved ones that it’s not that bad. You’re enabling the abuse by supporting the words of our abuser. It’s not that bad, things will get better and they are a good person. Good people do not put other people down. Good people do not use love, affection, and attention as a weapon. Violence is not always physical so if a loved one comes to you and tells you they was abused by their ex, please give them a safe space to help them heal.



Every hour approximately 6 women are murdered by a male family member or a current or previous partner. Now more than ever because of COVID it’s very important you reach out to someone who may be in an abusive relationship. Reaching out and letting them know they have a place to go can change someone’s life. The majority of people who stay in an abusive relationship do it for financial and residential circumstances. I wrote this essay gender bias because men can also be victims of domestic violence. If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation please call 800.799.SAFE (7233).

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