BE BETTER By Mercedes Dantes

Be better

This blog is all about self-growth, self-reflection, and self-healing. As a woman, there are a few things I would like to say to men. I have been on and off dating sites and I have got to tell you, it’s pretty bleak out there. Even when I’m off the dating sites, I get DM’s and FB messenger calls from guys I have never met before. There is a shortlist of people who can blind face time me out of the blue and you are definitely not one of those people Mr. random man with a cartoon profile pic I allowed into my friends list 20 minutes ago out of pity. I once got a message from a guy who was messaging me really generic messages like how was your day, what are you up to, etc. I was being very dry with my responses so he asked me “you don’t really want to talk to me, do you?” I said, “Honestly, no, I was just being polite.” Can you guess his response? “FUCK YOU THEN BITCH!” 🤦‍♀️ That was his response then he blocked me.

Guys, I’m writing this and generalizing you all because most of you just need to be better. I’m not a man-hater, I’m honestly a hopeless romantic but more than any of that, I’m a realist. Men, please stop listening to each other when it comes to dating advice. Women know what women want but most guys would rather just not listen to what a woman wants to say. Instead, you put all the blame on us. You guys are all perfect but we don’t want nice guys. Do you realize how dumb you sound? The problem is the dating pool is flooded with toxic masculinity and total douche bags. What society expects of men and women has DRASTICALLY changed over the past 50 years and it seems like women have made the adjustment to the change but men have not. Some of you are still bitter that you can’t just put a ring on it and gain a slave anymore. You should be looking for someone who’s going to be a partner to you and be strong where you are weak and vise versa.

Some of you are desperately holding on to this outdated version of what a man’s role in society is and it’s really holding you back. I have talked to guys on dating websites who misread the name goal digger as gold digger and tell me shit like, that’s not cute, it’s not cool, you’re never going to get a good man like that, I thought you were cute, too bad you’re a gold digger etc. Then I go to their page and his profession is listed as a cashier at Wendy’s, or Hustler who graduated from the School of Hard Knocks. I’m not trying to put anyone down I’m just saying some of you are under the impression that a woman is going to use you for money that you don’t even have.

YOU are so standing in your own way when it comes to finding good women. It’s not even funny anymore, and I’d really like to help you but that would first mean you have to listen to a woman and admit and accept that it’s time you worked on yourself to be the best version of yourself. Half of you swear you’re a good guy and then you see a man treating a woman with respect and call him a simp. If you have ever called a dude a simp because you see him treating a woman with praise and respect, you’re not a nice guy and women don’t want to date you because you have no respect for women.

Yesterday I was on a singles page on FB and I noticed a webinar that was labeled “just for women”, naturally a man had posted it. Basically, it was pandering to women that the reason we are not finding love on the internet is because dating sites don’t want us to because once we are off the market, “stock” will be lower. I just found that really sad because the reason I am still single is not because of manipulation from dating sites, it’s because I’m not willing to settle for anything less than everything I’m looking for. I’ve been there and done that and all it did was cause me heartache, and furthermore, there’s no reason to settle, I don’t need someone else but I do want someone as long as he’s the right one.

This webinar was telling women that the only reason that we are not finding love is because that’s what dating sites want instead of addressing the real issue here and that is, MOST MEN AIN’T SHIT! Do you know how many men I have met that are “on my level”? Like maybe I’ll meet one, once a year and 100 times out of 100 he’s a toxically chauvinist asshole, who doesn’t think I’m on his level because I am not a man. What I’m saying is that there is a VAST shortage in good men because no one is holding men accountable. It would be really appreciated if you held each other accountable. If you see your buddy cheating on his girl, tell his girl. He’s an asshole who is taking advantage of his girlfriend’s trust and he doesn’t deserve her. If you see a “friend” of yours trying to take advantage of a girl who’s had too much to drink, beat his ass and help her get home safe. That’s what I mean when I say be better. Ladies please do your part and STOP HAVING SEX WITH ASSHOLES!!! This essay is an open letter to men everywhere. Below are some hard truths that some of you really need to hear.

“The friend zone”… not a thing. If you are friends with someone because you want to fuck them, you’re not really their friend. If you’re doing nice things for a woman because you expect her to repay you in sex, you’re a scum bag! Being someone’s friend has no currency. You are truly someone’s friend when you want their company and nothing more. If you are friends with someone and you do fall in love with them and let your feelings be known and are told that the feeling is not mutual that is one thing but being friends with someone under false pretenses is predatory and doesn’t make you a nice guy.

Guys you seriously need to understand what friend means to us and what friend means to you are 2 different things. When a woman is friends with another woman, it’s because we enjoy her company, when we are friends with men it’s for the same reason. If a man is friends with a woman for any other reason other than I platonically enjoy her company, you’re not a nice guy. You’re a predator who’s pretending to be her friend so she can feel safe with you and let her guard down so you can make a move. Nice guys are nice guys because they enjoy us as people, not just certain body parts we have. Treating a woman with the most basic level of respect you should show any other human being does not make you a nice guy.

This whole “Nice Guys Finish Last” myth needs to go away. Guys, you need a serious reality check if you really think that women don’t want a nice guy with his shit together. If you think you’re a nice guy and women won’t date you, maybe it’s because you still don’t have your shit together. If are a nice guy and you have your shit together maybe she’s not attracted to you. Women are just as allowed as men to have a physical preference of the type of person we want to date. If you’re a nice guy, with his shit together and she finds you attractive, you’re probably not as nice as you think you are and she recognizes some toxic traits in you. She probably keeps you around because she enjoys your company but she knows she can’t trust you.

The bar is so low that as long as you do not put a woman down you think you can put yourself in the category of a nice guy and you fail to see the irony of saying, “I’m a nice guy and still women don’t want me.” That shit right there is as bad as victim-blaming. You are putting the blame on us because you bring absolutely nothing else to the table other than the bare minimum requirements for being in a relationship, platonic or otherwise. Women are allowed to have standards and if you don’t meet those standards she’s not stuck up. She owes you nothing, if she’s not interested, just accept the information and move on. If you are only nice to a woman so you can potentially fuck her, you are not a nice guy.

Being a “nice guy” is not the only thing women are looking for. We need a man who can build us up the way we do you, someone who doesn’t think he’s helping around his own house or doesn’t take an active role in raising his own kids. What you fail to see is that this is not the 1950’s anymore. Some of you throwing around the phrase “you cannot turn a ho into a housewife” and most of you don’t even have a house. You’re calling women gold diggers when you don’t have any “gold.” Women have learned that being a housewife means that we are surrendering our control. I do not think women should be in control of a relationship, no one person should, that is the point I’m trying to make. It should be an equal exchange of respect and responsibility but a lot of guys are still so hung up on gender roles that you didn’t even notice that women are evolving because we have been forced to stop relying on you.

I want you to think of a woman or girl you love, your mama, grandma, sister, daughter. Now think about the way you treated your ex and why you guys broke up. Now imagine you’re seeing someone else treat your mom, grandma, sister, daughter, etc. the same way you treated your ex. If you would beat that guy's ass for treating a woman you love the way you treated your ex, then you’re not a nice guy. There is never any reason to treat someone poorly. If they wronged you and you cannot let it go, that doesn’t give you the right to abuse that person, verbally, physically, or otherwise. If you feel wronged and can’t get over it, leave. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

“A good man treats a hooker the same way he treats the queen of England because of the type of person he is, not because of the type of person she is.” If you do not treat every woman with the same respect you show your mother you are not a nice guy.

If you have ever met a woman who is extra cautious about who she allows in her circle because of her past experiences and said, “well maybe if she stopped dating a certain kind of guy”, you are not a nice guy. That is victim-blaming. I can assure you I have dated losers and successful men, men who don’t have their shit together and men who do, men who are 5’3 and men who are 6’4, and each and every one of them seemed like a great guy at first. Slowly and surely though they changed and turned into nightmares. When a woman trusts a man and he takes advantage of that trust, that is not her fault. Falling for someone and giving them several chances to do the right thing and they never do is not your fault.

“Being Friends with Your Ex, is a Toxic Trait.” Exes are exes for a reason. If you dated someone for a few months and you realized you are not compatible that’s one thing, but to carry on an entire relationship for years on end and then decide the relationship is not worth your effort anymore, you are not that person’s friend, you’re a manipulative parasite. I am a firm believer that people do not fall out of love, they just realize they were never in love in the first place. Most likely whatever you were using us for, you’re not getting anymore. Men know after 3-4 months if they are going to marry the woman they are dating or not, some of you know that it’s not what you want and you stay, WHY?!?!? That is straight up manipulation to know that you do not want a life with someone for whatever reason and just fake it until something better comes along? That’s toxic AF and is a sign of some kind of personality disorder. Good people don’t use other people up until they have no use for them.

I will never understand the audacity of a man who just wasted years of my life and how he can seriously sit there and tell me, we can still be friends. I’m not saying you should hate all your ex’s, I honestly can say I do not hate anyone but there are a lot of people that I used to know and now we are no longer cool but what they are doing with their lives and how they are doing is no longer any of my business. Being civil and being friends are 2 completely different things. Just because you know my name and have seen me naked doesn’t mean I owe you a spot in my life. If we were really friends, you’d be willing to do what is necessary to keep me in your life.

“Just because you lost me as a friend, doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that, I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.” - Tupac Shakur.

I understand sometimes people grow apart but if you are feeling distant from your partner you need to let them know how you are feeling. It’s a very basic level of respect. A piece of advice I learned that I find applicable in most walks of life is: “If you don’t have the balls to bring it up, you don’t have the right to complain.” You have all the necessary tools to fix any problem, and if growing apart is your problem, you need to address that. No one wakes up one day and says we’ve suddenly grown apart overnight. That is a situation that takes a long time and a lot of neglect. If you cannot have a conversation without fighting, seek therapy. We do not give up on the people we love. To say you love someone then leave because you don’t feel the same is the exposure of your true intent and that true intent was never to gain a partner but something else. Using people is not something nice guys do.

The only reason ex’s stay friends is because they still like having sex with each other, or one is hoping that they will get back together. Both of those things are a mistake and you’re just dragging out a breakup. It is only a matter of time until you are reminded why you broke up in the first place. Do the easiest thing and just cut them off. Block them on EVERYTHING! It’s really for the best.

So, in conclusion, MEN PLEASE BE BETTER and always remember that when a woman meets you, she treats you the way she wants you to treat her. After the relationship is established, she will begin to treat you the way you treat her. If your problem is that women end up leaving you, it’s because you are not treating her the way you were at the beginning of the relationship.