Goal Digger Lesson 1 "How to write a resume".

When I was young no one ever had a conversation with me about adulting. Too many young people are expected to have it all figured out straight out of high school but no one ever talks to you about what it takes to be an adult in the real world. How to get a job, how to do your taxes, how to get a good credit score, interest rates, amortization schedules etc. Like WTF did I just spend the last 18 years of my life learning all that other shit for? All of these things can seem very intimidating but they are a lot simpler than you think. I want to make a clarification most of these things are simple to understand but they make no sense. Adulting is the dumbest shit that has ever happen to me.

My goal in writing this series is to teach you how to get ahead in life. None of that sugar-coated bullshit about getting married and raising a family following your dreams and living happily ever after by the time you are 22. That's not realistic, that shit comes later, these are just basic survival skills. You just got out of high school it’s time to focus on you. Do you want to go to college? Do you want to move to another state? In this series, I will go over all of the pros and cons of taking just about any road you choose, while guiding you through the inevitable unfortunate series of events that are unavoidable in adulthood such as work, taxes, and debt.

Like most of your parents, I was not allowed to just figure shit out in my 20’s. I was expected to be a full-fledged adult with their shit together by the time I was 20 years old. You either got married, went to college, started a career or joined the army, those were our choices. Lucky for you, that’s not really the expectation anymore. Although you are not expected to have it all figured out by the age of 20 you should be independent by the time you are in your 20’s. I am here to show you how to be successful at being independent. So now that you have graduated high school what do you do next?

LET'S GET A JOB!

The first thing you will need to get a job is to master writing a resume. A resume is a piece of paper (or more commonly nowadays a PDF) with all of your job experience information. You give this document to a potential job prospect in hopes that what is on this piece of paper will impress them so greatly that they will give you money every week or every 2 weeks. Most job searches are done online. After you fill out an application online they will usually ask you to attach a resume. The application requires all of the same information that is already on your resume, but you have to fill out the application anyway. If they like what’s on your resume they will ask you to come in for an interview. We will go over job interviews next.

If you get a full-time job you are expected to spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (sometimes more) doing menial tasks. These menial tasks take about 2 hours to complete. You will then spend the other 6 hours of your day pretending to look busy to prevent termination of your job. You will repeat this every day for the next 40 years. (Sometimes longer, unless you invest in a good retirement plan as soon as possible. This scenario is based on your basic office job.) WELCOME TO THE WORKFORCE ASSHOLE! It’s all downhill from here.

So how do you write a paper about your job experience if you have no job experience? FEAR NOT! I am here to guide you through what it takes to write a resume and the treacherous and pointless bureaucratic BS of getting a job. If you have Word on your computer there are many resume templates to chose from. If you do not have Word you need to get Word or use a computer at the library. Like seriously though who doesn't have Word. Or you can choose a template from Google Docs. I just picked the first one in Word in this example. This shit is literally self-explanatory. Fill in your name, address, email address and phone number. Make sure to set up a professional looking email, if you do not have one set one up. BrianHasABigDick69@whatever.com does not scream I am a responsible adult. Most people use their first and last name with their birthday. I personally use my name and area code, others use a first initial and last name… The truth is there are so many email addresses out there, just find one with your name in it that is not already taken and you have succeeded. Objective In this section, you want to very briefly state why you want this job and why you would be best in this position. Although throughout your entire life you are taught that lying is wrong it’s okay to do on a job resume, just make sure it's believable and don't go overboard. 99% of the population hates their job and if given the opportunity would do the things they love all the time instead of going to a place they hate full of people we don't like in exchange for money. But that’s not the way the world works for some stupid reason. Do your best not to point out the obvious fact that you just need this job so you don’t end up in the streets. Employers absolutely love to hear that you have no life and you are willing to make this employment agreement your whole life. Friends, family, clubs you’ve joined, hobbies, GONE. You're giving all that shit up to be the best fucking courtesy clerk there ever was. Everything you ever enjoyed doing in your spare time is now a thing of the past because this job means EVERYTHING to you. I know it sounds ridiculous (because it is) but this is what they really do expect.

Sarcastic Example- I would be great for this job because it has been my dream as long as I can remember that I bag people’s groceries. I love seeing the different things different people eat. It has also been a hobby of mine for many years to drag heavy metal carts 8 at a time from parking lots into buildings.

Skills and Abilities In this section, they want to see a list of your strong points. Example- You were head of this club in high school, put that as a leadership skill. You were never tardy for like 3 years of school put that under Time management. I go to bed early put that under decision making. This section is all about perspective. No matter how small you think the things you do every day are they are the moments that when put together make up your life. Don’t try too hard to impress here but if you honestly have very impressive skills when it comes to decision making and conflict resolution etc. then be sure to tell your story and don’t be modest. Experience In this section, it is usually customary that you list jobs that you have previously held. If you are applying for your first job you can either leave this section blank or list school activities or chores you do at home. If you are asked to babysit every once and a while put that down. It's good for them to see that SOMEONE somewhere thinks you are responsible enough to handle children. I take out the trash every week, I make my bed every day, I do the dishes 3 times a week. From 2014-present. Just because you didn’t have to fill out a W-4 doesn’t mean it’s not a job. If it is your responsibility, it was a job.

Education is pretty self-explanatory. Communication This section on a resume is probably the silliest of all. Not only is it redundant if you have already listed communication as a skill but they want you to use communication skills to communicate how awesome your communication skills are. As if everything previously listed on this form is not a clear example of your ability to communicate. In my opinion, I think it’s best to mention communication as a strength in the skills section and remove the communication section from your resume as it is not really needed. Leadership ^See above. Replace the word communication with Leadership. ^

Instead of including Communication and Leadership add a list of the computer programs you are familiar with. Word, Excel, Windows etc. even add some apps in there if you want to bulk it up. Also include about 4-5 personal references. Include phone numbers and email addressed if you can. It’s basically an invite for them to call you out on your bullshit and it makes your bullshit more believable. "You don’t think I drank that ranch dressing? Call my Charlotte, she was there."

In conclusion writing a resume for a job can seem very intimidating but you really just need to remember this one thing. The person reading your resume is a person. It’s okay to admit that you have no experience with a cash register. Everyone has to start somewhere and there’s nothing wrong with admitting ignorance. Admitting ignorance and asking questions is the only way to learn the answer to something you don't know. Anyone who laughs at you for asking a question is an asshole. No matter what your question is that person laughing at you at one time or another asked the same thing… or they are laughing at you because they haven't asked that question yet, therefore, they don’t know the answer and they hope if they laugh at you, you will retract your inquiry so they won’t have to admit they have no idea how to answer your question. Don’t be that asshole, be humble, follow directions, show up on time and you will kill it at any job you get. GO GET EM TIGER!