How to be a Goal Digger: Lesson 1, The Importance of Standards

A woman's role in society has drastically changed over the past 70 years. Women are no longer expected to get married for support reasons. Getting married back then was a survival method that had been expected of women for thousands of years but not anymore. You don’t need a man to take care of you anymore, you can do that on your own. Independent women running their own lives and being the boss has become the norm and it’s amazing. It is not your “job” to put up with a man's bullshit anymore. Back then it was called being a "good woman" but nowadays being a good woman means looking out for #1. If being “down for your man” consists of forgiving his unfaithful ways and or coming up with bail money I promise you, you’re better off alone. You need to draw a line in the sand and be your own woman before you can be anyone else’s woman.

If he doesn't have his shit together and you do, there is no reason you need to stand by this man, ESPECIALLY if he doesn't treat you with respect! I am so sick and tired of women who stay because "I love him". Don't get me wrong, that's a great reason to stay... if he loves you too. And I mean he really loves you and shows it. Not just says it and buys you shit from time to time, I mean loves you for who you are. Too many women give their all in these bad relationships. If you are bending over backward to please your man and he won't lift a pinky to do the same for you, you need to move on and find a better man. We need to take a stand and stop giving all of our selves to a part-time partner. That shit doesn’t fly in any other kind of relationship. You should only give what you get. If he doesn't give a fuck, you shouldn't either. It is not your job to hold it down for the both of you all by yourself. If you’re holding it down by yourself, what’s the point in being in a relationship? If you don’t realize this at the beginning of your bad relationship and do something about it right away, you may find yourself up to your eyeballs in regret by the time you are 40. Let me tell you, regret is so much heavier than failure. With failure you get to start over and try again, regret is the absence of options to correct a mistake. Which one would you rather live with?

Why Do men act this way? BECAUSE WE ALLOW THEM TO! If women took a stand and valued themselves more and were more selective of who they associate with, men the whole world over would be forced to change. They would be forced to adapt to the demands of the current situation or they will just have to stop dating women. The idea is the core of evolution. If we as women took a stand and said I am not putting up with this, men will change. But the problem with that is that if you take a stand there is some desperate bitch who is dying to be his side bitch. If that’s the kind of man you have, YOU ARE BETTER OFF ALONE! If his needs consist of you giving and your needs are not being met; you need to move on. Before you start dating anyone you need to think to yourself about what you want. Make a list of the things you need and if you meet a man, and he does not fit that mold, he’s not the guy for you. Do not compromise and settle at the beginning of your relationship. If you do that you are telling him his bullshit is okay. Add things to your list like “He must be single” this side bitch nonsense needs to stop. If you’re just in it for a good time; go fuck a single guy. Men would not be able to cheat if women stopped fucking men who are in a relationship. Men can only get away with what you allow them to.

Below is a clip from good ol Dave Chapelle. Some of you younger folks may not know who he is but he is a very talented comedian. In this clip from 2000 Dave shares exactly what I’m saying but from a man’s perspective.

Although what Dave is saying is funny it’s very true. “If pussy were a stock it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it.” We are giving our selves away too easy. Again, if you’re just playing the field DO YOU GIRL! That is a completely different game with a completely different end goal. I love seeing all these young women out there playing the game like a man. Get your needs met then bounce and enjoy your independent life. You don’t need to give up your independence for some dick, men sure as hell don’t give up their independence for pussy. As long as you are being safe (USE PROTECTION) and being honest (Don’t lie to the poor boy) then good for you! If you are in it for a relationship though, the rules totally change. You can’t turn a ho into a housewife, but when you’re ready to be a housewife you can just stop being a ho. I'm taking that word back, THAT'S OUR WORD!

Be with someone who is on your level and wants the same things you want. If you get with a man who doesn’t want what you want you are setting yourself up for failure. Don’t give a fuck what a man thinks, ask those important questions on a first date. If he's the right guy he won't mind, if he's not in it to win it move on, asking these questions will help you get the answers you need. “What is your end goal in dating? Are you looking for a hookup or are you looking for something meaningful and worthwhile?” A booty call takes no effort, especially if you are a woman and some men don’t get that. They get a good woman in their life who treats them like a king and they really start to believe they are so awesome that they can do better than you. Kings do not treat servants like Queens. If you want to be treated like a Queen act like a Queen. If he thinks that he can do better than you, let him find out the hard way that he’s wrong. Let him go find someone who is as good as you are. He will be disappointed.

The long and short of it is that women forgot to love themselves for who they are first and foremost. We are strong, and capable human beings, and what we look like is not the most important thing about us. When we stop loving our selves that sets the standard for how others love us. When you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see this can be hard. When you go out and people say nasty things to you it’s even harder but you need to let go of that negative energy and surround yourself with positive people. When you forget to love yourself the smallest amount of attention from the opposite sex can be sufficient to make you feel good but you should not base your opinion of yourself on the opinions of others. No one knows you like you know you, do not allow anyone to alter your own opinion of your own self-worth. Yes, people can say mean and nasty things that hurt your feelings but you need to ask yourself, “Is that the truth?” If it is the truth and it hurts your feelings, change. If it’s not the truth and it hurts your feelings just let it go, you know the truth. The more successful you are at anything the more people will talk about you, good and bad. Catty little worthless hos will always say nasty things about others because it makes them feel good about themselves to put others down and that's not right but you cannot control the way people around you act. Never forget though that you are always in control of your reaction. Negative and nasty people will not change this behavior until they want to better themselves, that is out of your control.

Believe me, I know what I am talking about. I have had some of the worst relationships imaginable because I didn’t put any value in myself. I thought I must be worthless because that’s how others treat me. I felt like I deserved to be treated like shit and in a sense, I did. Because I didn’t demand anything better for myself. I gave my heart to the worst of the worst and it wasn’t until I took some time alone to learn to love myself that the right man walked into my life. People will always take from you what you give away for free. Once you put a value on yourself you're no longer just giving yourself away for someone to take. Your relationships will become an exchange as they should be. I was well into my 30’s a single mother of 1 and if I had still been wasting my time with Mr. Wrong I would have missed out on Mr. Right. I wasted so much time with the wrong guys who did nothing but take and take and take. My biggest regret was that I didn’t leave when I knew they were the wrong guy.

I made the Cardi B mistake of telling myself, “what am I supposed to do, start over and get cheated on again?” The answer is yes, start over and no, don’t get cheated on. You start over again but this time you remind yourself that you are the baddest bitch in the game and only a complete idiot would treat you like you are anything less. The stupidest thing he can do is cheat on you and if he does make that “mistake” make sure it’s the first and last time. If you don’t walk away he will only do it again. Not to mention the agony of the mistrust thereafter that you will feel anytime he is away from you. It’s torture, do not do that to yourself. If he wants to fuck other women, let him, but don’t be that stupid girl waiting at home for him after he’s done fucking anything that will let him. Dump his ass and sleep like a baby at night knowing that his dishonest ass is no longer your problem. When you are in love it’s hard to tell if you are in a bad relationship but here is a list of narcissistic asshole traits that are a red flag to run.

• Your friends and family don’t like him. – If your friends and family think you can do better you probably can. They have known you longer than this guy and if he doesn’t treat you the way your friends and family think he should, you should probably bounce. Some family members won’t like anyone you date because they are biased and they want you to marry a prince but if your mama will not allow him into her home, you really need to take a deep long look at what you are doing and who you are doing it for.

• He doesn’t put you first. – Don’t get me wrong, it’s cool to have friends when you are in a relationship, but if he’s constantly blowing you off to hang with his boys and you are never invited, he’s an immature asshole who doesn’t have his priorities straight. You wouldn’t do it to him, why is it okay for him to do it to you?

• He cheats on you. – If he cheats on you it’s because he does not respect you. If he doesn’t respect you he doesn’t love you. Respect is the purest form of love. If you forgive this behavior he thinks that you always will forgive him. If he does it once, don’t give him the opportunity to do it again. Once trust is gone it is nearly impossible to get back. You’re better off starting over and finding someone who respects you more.

• He talks down to you- If someone is talking down to you it’s because they do not respect you. If he doesn’t respect you he doesn’t love you. Respect is the purest form of love. If he doesn’t even show you the respect you show to the co-worker that you can’t stand, you have a serious problem.

• He lies to you. - If someone lies to you it’s because they do not respect you. If he doesn’t respect you he doesn’t love you. Respect is the purest form of love… you see what I’m saying here? If he needs to lie to you he’s doing some shit he knows he shouldn’t be doing. He doesn’t respect your intelligence if he thinks you’re too stupid to catch him in a lie. And do you know what most men do when they are caught in a lie? They lie some more and start a fight about how YOU don’t trust them, and this argument is your fault because you don’t trust him. Even though he knows he shouldn’t be trusted because he’s caught deadass in a lie.

Respect is what it’s all about. You show him respect why is it so much to ask for it in return? Respect is the foundation of every healthy relationship, whether it be with a family member or a friend or a co-worker. When respect is off the table you are not dealing with someone who cares for you. Do not settle for this in any kind of relationship in your life. You need to spend some time alone and understand yourself better. No human being is worthless, this is just a misconception you have of yourself because you have designated your self-worth to be parallel with the way others treat you. If you surround yourself with assholes, of course you’re going to feel worthless. Good people do not treat others like shit. Yes, we all get frustrated and angry at times but it is never okay to take your frustrations out on someone else.

So if you are in a BS relationship with someone who treats you like this, what do you do? The sad fact is that you need to leave. I know that is easier said than done and you may need to sacrifice everything to do it but in the long run, I promise you it is the best thing you can ever do for yourself. You may find yourself doing things out of necessity that you never thought you would do but it will be so worth it in the end. So, if you live with Mr. Wrong the first thing you need to do is find a new place. If you cannot stay with family or friends here are some options you should consider.

• Find a roommate. I know it seems totally crazy but find a room for rent. The space will be smaller, it will be in someone else’s house but you can come “home” and not be treated like shit every night. You can fall asleep not worrying about who he’s texting on his phone. You can go home and do whatever the fuck you want to do and not worry about what someone else has to say about it.

• Sublet. Some people cannot stay the full term of their lease and instead of breaking the lease and paying penalties they will sublet their apartment for the remainder of the lease.

• Extended Stay Hotels. The cheaper they are the nastier they are but some are really not that bad and can cost less than an apartment. All you need is a credit card and the ability to pay and your in. They are already furnished and most of them come with a kitchenette. It can be a very nice temporary home until you find something better.

I know those are not the nicest options but I assure you they are better than wasting your time in a shitty relationship. I know when you're young you feel like you have all the time in the world but when you get older you realize that time is the only thing you can never get back. Possessions are just stuff, you can always get more stuff. Time heals all wounds and it’s better to spend your time healing from a shitty relationship than wasting your time prolonging the inevitable truth that you made a mistake when you chose this partner. It’s time to let go and correct your mistake and start focusing on taking care of yourself. The sooner you admit your mistake, the sooner you can move on.