3. Relationship Mile Stone Markers You Need To Cross Before You Take It To The Next Level
If getting a serious relationship is important to you there are some things you need to know before you become exclusive. If you are dating someone and you haven’t said “we’re exclusive”, he is not your boo, that is your fuck buddy. Most experts say that most men are not willing to commit because there are so many “loose” women out there. I.E. something about a cow and some free milk. When you’re ready for a relationship it’s time to stop giving away the milk and be that cereal. (I honestly have no idea what be the cereal means. 🤣)
With apps like tinder, a variety of fuck buddies are literally at your fingertips. Casually dating is a great way to learn what you do not want in a relationship. Once you know what you do not want, it’s easier to focus on what you do want in a partner. So make sure you’re not the only one who is “all in” in this relationship before you do something permanent like move in together. You might think you guys are taking it to the next level but he might think he’s gaining a roommate that cooks and cleans. If you don’t have the conversation, don’t assume you are on the same page. Assumption is the mother of all fuckups.
The biggest reason that these milestones are important is because you do not want to wake up one day and realize that the person you are with is toxic and you need to get out. The best way to avoid getting poisoned is to avoid coming in contact with “hazardous material”. You can’t play with uranium then cry “how could this happen!?” when you get radiation poisoning. Toxic people can be just as hazardous to your health as any other disease.
I was once in a very bad relationship that was so stressful that my hair started to fall out. If you want to avoid looking like Caillou you need to learn the difference between a good dude and a toxic MF. (She said while married to a narcissist.😩) After you have started to build a life with someone it’s very very hard to walk away, no matter how bad things are, it’s the last thing you want to do. The easiest way to avoid that is to see his true colors before you really decide you want to be with this person long term. When you decide you want something more serious, here are some experiences that you should go through with someone before you have the “I want us to be exclusive” talk.
1. Get sick Even if you drink too much if he’s there and he doesn’t hold your hair; on to the next one. If you have a cold and he doesn’t come by with soup or to walk your dog, on to the next one. If he doesn’t take care of you when you’re sick, he’s not going to take care of you if you really need it. God forbid something catastrophic happens to you, if he can’t be there for an itty bitty cold, he’s probably a selfish dick. If he offers to come take care of you and you say no that’s on you. If you need him and he’s there he’s a good guy. If you need him and he’s not there you can get used to him not being there or you can dump him and find a good guy. If you can’t depend on him to help you out through an illness, don’t expect him to help you out at all. Omission: If he’s never been to your place before, it’s probably not an appropriate thing to do. If you live with family and he knows you’re being taken care of, it’s probably not logical that he would think to come help you out. If you wouldn’t do it for him, don’t expect him to do it for you. If you’re too independent to take help when you’re sick and think he should do the same that is the exception to the rule.
Nightmares, why you need to avoid this type of person: I have 2 stories.
1st Story: When I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter I asked her father to paint my toenails as I was unable to reach my feet at this point in pregnancy. He said, eww, no that’s gross. I was, of course, hormonal and got really upset and yelled at him “I am carrying a human being inside of me and you put it there. This little person who is growing in my body is blocking my access to my feet. If you were in an accident and you lost your arms I would spend the rest of my life wiping the shit off of your ass because I love you and I know you need my help. I am pregnant for a few more weeks and I need your help so PAINT MY FUCKING TOES!”
He painted my toes but he also abandoned me and my daughter in the hospital the day after she was born. 🤷♀️ If I had gotten sick before I had gotten pregnant I may not have ended up a single mother. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby with all my heart but if I knew he was capable of doing such a thing I never would have agreed to marry him and have his baby.
2nd Story: I was having extreme abdominal pain and my bf who I lived with was gone, hanging out at a friend’s house all day. I finally couldn’t handle the pain anymore and I had to call him and ask him to take me to the hospital. I went to an urgent care and they said they had no idea why I was in pain. They told me I needed an ultrasound but they didn’t have one at this urgent care. They wrote me a prescription for painkillers and told me to make an appointment with my OB/GYN. We left and went to the nearest Wal-Greens to fill the prescription, but when we got there they were closed. So he got all mad that I interrupted his “bro” time and took me home without getting my prescription filled.
I had to call my mother to give me a ride to another pharmacy because I was in too much pain to drive. She came and took me to another Wal-Greens literally 5 minutes away from the closed one and got my prescription filled. When I went to get my ultrasound, they told me I had a cyst in my uterus that had ruptured. That was nothing I could have planned for or avoided but he made me feel like I was inconveniencing him.
2. Get into a fight with each other.
I’m not saying to start a fight and I’m definitely not saying that you should physically fight each other. What I’m saying is you need to know how he’s going to act when he is displeased or disappointed.
If he wants to “break up” after one fight, he’s emotionally unstable. If he is clearly wrong and refuses to apologize, he’s immature.
If he shuts down and refuses to talk about the obvious issue he has deep-seeded emotional issues and is not comfortable talking about any of his feelings.
If you’re together for 4 months and never have a disagreement or he never voices his opinion he’s a doormat.
If he is upset and can talk about it calmly and cool like a big boy, he’s a keeper.
If he has no problem showing emotions, he’s a keeper but beware if crocodile tears and cry babies.
No matter who is in your life you will disagree with them from time to time. Family, friends, roommates, co-workers. If it’s someone you spend a lot of time with they are going to piss you off at some point. There’s nothing wrong with that but if you are with someone who doesn’t know how to process their feelings, that’s going to be a problem. Running away from a problem is never going to fix anything.
Omission: Same as before, treat others as you want to be treated. If you won’t do it for him, why should he do it for you? If you can’t talk about an issue without screaming and crying and throwing a fit, don’t get all pissed when he yells back in your face.
Nightmares, why you should avoid this kind of person:
I had a boyfriend who would never talk to me about his problems. When we had an issue on his part he would hold it all in. When I had an issue, he would avoid talking about it. After avoiding the issue and having all this pent-up animosity we would blow up at each other and he would kick me out. We would break up and after about 2 weeks he would call me and he would tell me that he was so sorry and it was all his fault, he loved me more than anything, until the next time I did something that was bothering him and he was too immature to work it out before it became a big deal. This went on for years. (Totally my fault, I should have walked away because there was no fixing that.) He was unemployed for 4 months and in those 4 months I paid our $1,900 a month rent and did all the housework. After 4 months of him not working I handed him a job where I worked. 2 weeks later, he dumped me. We agreed I would move out if he signed me off the lease and I never looked back. A year and a half later I met my husband.
3. Wait 4 dates before you sleep together (AT LEAST 4 REAL DATES)
As I mentioned before most men do not want marriage because milk is cheaper than the cow. If he can’t take no for an answer, he has no interest in building something special. If he will sleep with you after the first time you meet him, he will sleep with anyone he just met. If you can’t keep it in your pants after one date, you really have to ask yourself if you are ready for a serious and monogamous relationship. Monogamy isn’t necessarily a must but honesty definitely is. If you both have a non-exclusivity agreement and you are comfortable enough to have that conversation and you’re not hurting anyone, you’re both consenting adults and that’s fine. I personally would not recommend this kind of relationship. Monogamy is the only way for me and if you’re like me and know what you want, let it be known what your expectations of him are. If you are comfortable enough to have nasty, sloppy, dirty sex (if it’s not nasty, sloppy, dirty, you’re doing it wrong) with someone then you should be comfortable enough to share almost anything.
Omission: If you need longer take longer, if you’ve been friends for a long time, maybe you don’t need 4 dates. The point is knowing who you are sharing yourself with.
Nightmare: Why you should avoid someone who won’t wait.
I used to work at a bar and this guy would always come in and flirt with me. I had a boyfriend at the time and I would never cheat and made that perfectly clear to him but this guy just would not give it up. After I quit the bar my bf and I broke up and this guy found me on Facebook like 3 weeks later. After a few weeks of chatting, I finally decided I was ready to go out with this guy. I had just got out of a one-year relationship, I wasn’t looking for anything serious, just a good time. He and a friend of his came to pick me up. His buddy was there on our first “date”, that’s a red flag that he’s not taking this too seriously. We went out for some drinks and then that night we went back to “his” place. The next morning I woke up and realized he was a republican and I never spoke to him again.
There is a ton of things that life can throw at you that you cannot ever be prepared for. If you do not have someone to support you through the hard times you are better off alone. Having a relationship is an awesome thing but if you are not partners you are just existing within proximity of each other and that’s not the same thing as having a life together. You need to be sure that you know someone well enough to know what the risks are and if you need to be concerned about anything at all. STD’s are real and condoms do not protect you from everything. You can still get genital warts, herpes, HPV, syphilis, pubic lice, scabies, and crabs even if you use a condom. Not to mention that condoms are only 99% effective in preventing the spread of most diseases and pregnancy. When you know someone well enough you should go to a clinic and get tested together. Do not get yourself in a situation where you are stuck with a scum bag for the rest of your life. Get to know everything you can about someone until you take it to the next level or until you know you can do better and you need to upgrade.
