Milestones you need to pass before taking your relationship to the next level

If getting married is important to you there are somethings you need to know before you become exclusive. Believe me, if you haven’t had the “are we exclusive” conversation with your man, he is not really your boyfriend. Some experts say that most men are not willing to commit because there are so many “loose” women out there. Women outnumber men 3-1 and with apps like tinder that provide a variety of fuck buddies literally at your fingertips with little to no effort on getting laid why would a man want to be with one woman? Most young guys just want to play the field so ladies, you need to play the field too, look for older gentlemen or just be honest about what you are looking for. But, “I wanna get married” is not good first date conversation material. So what do you do? If you want to find a good guy the only thing you can do is take it slow.

The whole point of this article is to guide you through some things that you should probably know about someone before you decide you really want to invest in a relationship with them and guys if your reading this it goes both ways. Make sure before you go falling in love with someone that you’re not the only one who is looking for a long-term relationship. Here are some experiences that you should go through with someone before you have the “what are we doing” talk.

1. Get sick

Even if you drink too much if he’s there and he doesn’t hold your hair; onto the next one. If you have a cold and your signifigant other doesn’t come by with soup to help you out a little, on to the next one. If they don’t take care of you when you’re sick, they probably don't really care and will not take care of you if you really need it. God forbid something catastrophic happens to you like peralisis or cancer, if they can’t be there for you when you have an itty bitty cold, they are probably a selfish dick who will leave you when you need them most.

Omission: If they offer to come by and take care of you and you say no that’s on you. If they have never been to your place before, taking care of you when you are sick is probably not an appropriate thing to do. If you live with family and they know you’re being taken care of, it’s probably not logical that they would think to come help you out. If you wouldn’t do it for them, don’t expect them to do it for you. If you’re too independent to take help when you’re sick and think he should do the same that is the exception to the rule.

"If you wouldn’t do it for them, don’t expect them to do it for you."

Why you need to avoid this type of person: I have 2 stories.

1st

Once I had trouble breathing and needed my bf to take me to the hospital. While in the ER I was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection. After a few hours, they gave me antibiotics and sent me home. On the car ride home, he decides that it would be okay to smoke a cigarette as long as he opens the window. I asked him to put it out and he called me a crybaby. We got home and I went to sleep in our room. When I woke up him and his cousin were in my room taking gravity bong hits with the door closed. We had a living room and he thought it was okay to clambake the bedroom where I was sleeping off my lung infection. I called my mommy and she came and got me. We broke up soon after.

2nd

I had a bf once and he was at a buddy’s house all day and I was having extreme abdominal pain. Finally, the pain became so intense that I had to call him and ask him to take me to the hospital. I went and an urgent care and they said they had no idea why I was in pain. They told me I needed an ultrasound but they didn’t have one at this urgent care. They wrote me a prescription for the pain and told me to make an appointment with my regular doctor. We left and went to the nearest Wal-Greens and they were closed. He was angry that interrupted his “bro” time (which was every Sunday night, how dare I get sick) and took me home without getting my pain prescription filled.

I had to call my mother to come give me a ride because I was in too much pain to drive. She came and took me to another Wal-Green literally 5 minutes away from the closed one and got my prescription filled. When I went to get my ultrasound they told me my pain was caused by a cyst in my uterus that had ruptured.

2. Get into a fight with each other

I’m not saying to start a fight and I’m definitely not saying that you should physically fight each other. What I’m saying is that you need to know how your significant other is going to act when they are displeased, disappointed and or just plain angry. If they want to “break up” after one fight, they are emotionally unstable and you can save yourself a lot of pain if you just break up. If that's how they act after the first fight, it's most likely how they will act in every disagreement and that is an emotional rollercoaster that I highly recommend you pass on. Their emotional instability is also probably the reason they are still single.

If they are clearly wrong and refuses to apologize, they are immature and selfish. If you have a full-blown fight you probably both need to appoligize to each other for losing your cool. Disagreements happen and if you cannot resolve the issue in a conversation it usually turns into a fight. You can't have a fight all on your own so it's best if you both take ownership of your contribution to allowing a conversation to escalate into a fight. You should both apologize for your part.

Refusal to have a conversation is not participating in the relationship and is making the conversation impossible to have which is guaranteed to turn into a fight. So sorry, but if you ignore your significant other when they are trying to talk to you, you are totally in the wrong. Ignoring someone's feelings and concerns is a type of emotional abuse and if you're smart, you leave as soon as you identify this behavior as a habit. Which brings me to my next point.

If they shut down and refuse to talk about the issue they have, they most likely have deep seeded emotional abandonment issues and just shut down as a defense mechanism. If they are upset and can talk about it calmly and cool like an adult, they are a keeper. If they have no problem showing emotions, they are emotionally healthy and a keeper but beware of crocodile tears and cry babies.

Always remember that no matter who is in your life you will disagree with them from time to time. Family, friends, roommates, co-workers, your own children for fuck sake. If you spend a lot of time with someone, eventually they are going to piss you off. There’s nothing wrong with that but if you are with someone who doesn’t know how to process their feelings, and openly communicate their grievances without being combative or confrontational, that’s going to be a problem. Running away from and or ignoring a problem is never going to fix anything.

You wouldn't avoid a tumor because you think that it's going to go away on its own. You confront the reality of the issue and take the necessary steps to rid yourself of it, whatever that may be. Once the issue or illness is dealt with you move forward and avoid the cause. This cannot be done if the cause is not identified. Problems in a relationship are like a cancer. If the relationship is a vessel you both share you should be sure that you share it with someone who is on the same page when it comes to problem-solving. If the cause of the relationship cancer is not identified, delt with and avoided it will eat you both alive.

If you’re together for 4 months and you never have a disagreement or you're significant other never voice their opinion or preference on anything then they are a doormat. A doormat is just a ticking time bomb, eventually, they will get tired of doing things your way and blow up on you even though you had no idea there was a problem. I always say, if you don't have the balls to bring up the issue, you have no right to complain.

If you can identify one as a doormat it's best to stay away from. They will give you what they perceive as "love" very intensely and treat you like royalty until they just don't feel like doing it anymore. They can turn love off like a light switch. Most people who are doormats end up this way because they think that love is shown through obedience and submission. That is not loving at all, love is all about acceptance. So when a doormat tires of being obedient and submissive they realize they never really were in love in the first place and go on their merry little way. Regardless of your willingness to accept their subservient ways, they will turn off the lights and close the door on that relationship like they are locking up a shop at the end of the day. Be warned.

Omission: Same as before, treat others as you want to be treated. If you won’t do it for them, why should he do it for you? If you can’t talk about an issue without screaming and crying and throwing a fit, don’t get all pissed when he yells back in your face. Having a discussion or disagreement is not the same thing as a fight. You can disagree with someone and calmly talk it out until a resolution is found.

At the very least 2, emotionally healthy people can agree to disagree. Even 2 people who are not emotionally healthy that accept that they are emotionally crippled, can come to these terms. The most important thing is being able to admit when YOU are wrong. It's not about pointing out their faults, it is all about keeping your cool while problem solving. You cannot change the way other people feel and react and if you are with someone who cannot admit that they are not perfect, you're better off alone.

"If you don't have the balls to bring up the issue, you have no right to complain."

Why you should avoid this kind of person:

I had a boyfriend who would never talk to me about his problems. Every time we would fight we would break up because we never talked to each other about our issues. After avoiding the issue and having all this pent-up animosity built up we would blow up at each other over the stupidest things and break up. We would break up and after about 2 weeks he was so sorry and it was all his fault, he loved me more than anything, until the next time. It went on this way for 5 years.

I should have walked away a long time ago because there was no fixing a problem we didn't talk about. Towards the end of this 5-year relationship he was unemployed for 4 months and in those 4 months I paid our $1,900 a month rent and did all the housework, while he "looked" for a job. After 4 months of him not working I handed him a job on a silver platter at the place I worked. 2 weeks later, he dumped me for the last time. Other than the fact that we worked at the same company, once he signed me off the lease to our apartment, I never looked back. A year and a half later, I met my husband.

3.

Wait 4 dates before you sleep together (AT LEAST 4 REAL DATES)

Most men do not want marriage because a hook up is so much easier. In this day in age, women are much more independent than they used to be and are also seeing noncommittal sexual flings as a much more viable and acceptable way of life. If you are looking for a longterm relationship and they can’t take no for an answer, they have no interest in building something special. It's really not a bad thing if you're both honest about it. If they will sleep with you after the first time you meet them, they will sleep with anyone they just met. If you can’t keep it in your pants after one date, you really have to ask yourself if you are ready for a serious and monogamous relationship.

Monogomy isn’t necessarily a must in all successful relationships but honesty defiantly is. If you both have a non-exclusivity agreement and you are comfortable enough to have that conversation and you’re not hurting anyone, then you’re both consenting adults and that’s fine. I personally would not recommend this kind of relationship. Monogamy is the only way for me and if you’re like me and know what you want and have no problem letting it be known. If you are comfortable enough to have nasty, sloppy, dirty sex (If it’s not nasty, sloppy, dirty, you’re doing it wrong) Then you should be comfortable enough to tell them almost anything. What always NEEDS to be said, is what your end goal is.

Omission: If you need longer take longer, if you’ve been friends for a long time, maybe you don’t need 4 dates. The point is knowing who you are sharing yourself with. STD’s are real and condoms do not protect you from everything. You can still get genital warts, herpes, HPV, syphilis, pubic lice, scabies, and crabs even if you use a condom. You need to be sure that you know someone well enough to know what the risks are and if you need to be concerned. If at all possible take an STD test together.

"If you are looking for a longterm relationship and they can’t take no for an answer, they have no interest in building something special. If they will sleep with you after the first time you meet them, they will sleep with anyone they just met."

Why you should avoid someone who won’t wait.

I used to work at a bar and this guy would always come in and flirt with me. I had a boyfriend at the time and I would never cheat but this guy just would not give it up. I quit the bar and broke up with my boyfriend and this guy found me on facebook like 3 weeks later. After like 3 more weeks of chatting I finally decided I was ready to go out with this guy. I had just got out of a one-year relationship, I wasn’t looking for anything serious, just hoping to get to know him better. He and a friend of his came to pick me up. (his buddy was there on our first date, that’s a red flag) We went to a bar, had a few too many drinks then that night we went back to “his” place.

After we did the deed he started acting weird. After about 30 minutes he started crying and told me that he was married! This was not his house but his friend’s house and we were in the guest room. He said he loved his wife but he had been caught cheating before so she didn’t trust him and wouldn’t sleep with him anymore so the logical thing to do was cheat on her again. Even worse they had 2 kids together and that’s why he has not divorced her. I got my clothes on called a cab and never spoke to him again.

Had I insisted on a few more dates, a few more phone calls, a little bit more time getting to know him, I probably could have figured that out. Luckily for me, I was not looking for anything long-term and didn't get my heart broken but sometimes I wonder if his wife ever left his sorry ass. More often than not, if he does it once he will do it again.

NOTE: I went back to this guys place knowing damn well what would happen if I did. This was our first date, I didn't really think it was going anywhere and I went back to his place with the intention of getting my jolly's off and never seeing this guy again. Ladies be smart. If you don't want to get down, don't go back to his place or take him back to yours. When you go to a guys place or invite him to yours he thinks this is the green light for sex. Ask any guy who is not trying to nail you and they will agree with me.

EVEN IF YOU SAY, I do not want to have sex with you but we can hang out, in his head, there's still a shot that he can change your mind. No matter what he says, if you are not looking to get laid, do not put yourself in a situation where you are alone and intoxicated with a person you barely know. Call a cab and go home.